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Tourists do the funniest things
by Neil Matthews

The scene: evening in a hotel lobby, behind the potted plants, with local beer on hand...

Guide (early 20s, short spiky hair, comfortably built, round face, tshirt and shorts): "I told them they should try your restaurant as it's next door to the hotel. Did they turn up?"

Waitress (also early 20s, taller and slimmer than the guide with longer hair, traditional red and gold dress): "They did, but what was that you told me about them saying they ate a lot of Chinese food at home? They chose the roast duck and couldn't assemble it to save their lives! Too much filling in the pancake, every time, and they didn't put the cucumber and the spring onion parallel at the bottom before rolling it up. I had to go and show them how to do it, or else they'd probably still be there!"

Giggles round the table

Guide: "Good grief. Then there was the Great Wall fiasco. The wife actually asked if it would be a better idea to walk up there - why did she think there was a cable car? The two girls were there as usual to help them get on, but I think they thought it would stop at the bottom rather than continuing to move. The husband managed to squeeze himself in at about the third attempt...When we got there, they promptly announced that he had a problem with heights and she didn't like stairs. They managed the length of about two towers distance and that was it - straight down again. Then I took them to the same old cheap restaurant at the bottom (no choice round there) and they said they really liked it!"

Wall guide (short, mid-50s, long hair in ponytail): "Yes but, Tzun Pe, you need to remember these Westerners have bigger feet than us. Those bright red trainers the woman was wearing - all well and good for wide streets in London - not so good for our Wall. No wonder she had to slide sideways down some of the steps, like a crab. I went along at my normal pace, but it didn't seem to encourage them - quite the opposite. And after all that, they didn't even buy a Great Wall book. I was a bit miffed, I'm telling you."

Driver (30s, tall, lean, polo shirt and dark trousers): "Well, whatever you got up to with them on the trips must have worn them out...they were nodding off in the car all the time. Still, they were polite enough, weren't they?"

Guide: "Yes, I suppose they were...here's to the next bunch."

All clink glasses

All: "The toast is - tourists!"

First published in VISA issue 78 (Apr 2008)